Let’s get one thing right. I can be a real bitch if you want me to. I was trying to be nice, but no more. I barely spoke to you and you’re already like this? Come on, now! I tell you how I met your man with James and our friend, Nika, going to a stock car race. You tell Louie that I said that he went on a date to the race? What the hell is your problem?! I never said anything about a date, because there was never one! And now Louie is saying “you shouldn’t have said anything in the first place”. Bitch, I just said how I met you and who I was with. He knows I could have said something WAY worse that what you heard from her, so why are you believing that shit?! Think about it, dumbass. But you know, I’m wrong in this case. I’m too old for this “he said, she said” shit. It’s one pet peeve that I hate. I hate when people lie about what I said or twist my words around. Hate that shit. It’s disrespectful. If you asked me if I said this or that and it was true, I’ll own up to it. But it’s none of my business. I’m just going to stay in my room and shut the fuck up.
I can’t hold on any longer.
It’s been a while since my lighter kissed my skin. That burning feeling that feels so nice against my thigh. I miss it so much. Maybe it’s time to reunite them again. I remember how they first met. It was in a backyard of a friend’s house. One friend asked if I knew what a smiley was and I answered no. He flickered the lighter until there was a flame and let it sit for a while. He then continued to press it against my leg. I was shocked and caught of guard, but in an odd way, I loved it. I fucking love it. It helps me forget. It’s like what alcohol is to an alcoholic and what drugs are to an addict. I always promised to stop, but I always relapses sooner or later.
I took pills from my parents room. They only sit in my purse right now. I look at them all of them time. I want to take them all and drink a lot of liquor. I want to leave this world. For good. I’ve tried to give my all for everything. For people that I love, to try to get a better future for me. I’m done. Why keep trying when I’m going to get shit on in the end? If someone could give me a good reason, and not that “it’ll get better” bullshit, because it’s been 3 years and shit hasn’t changed, then maybe I’ll reconsider things. Maybe. No one cares, so it’ll be perfect. I figured out a perfect time, too. My friend is going to throw a party and I can take the pills then and drink until I can’t drink anymore. It’s perfect.
And I mean it. I’m not going to give up on us. I don’t care what your dad and step mom has to say about any of it. I don’t understand why they are so against me in the first place. I believe that we’re going to get back together. And I told you that if you didn’t think we are or don’t know to stop talking to me, but you continue. You tell me you miss me and that you love me. You kiss my back while giving me a massage. You cuddle with me while watching TV and while we sleep. I made it very clear to you, and you still do what you do and say what you say. I love you forever and I meant it. The ball is now in your court. I can only wait for so long before officially leaving.
I can’t believe it. He broke up with me. I broke down in the mall when he said something and when I got home. I just feel so numb right now. So numb. I don’t know what to do with myself.
He can say some down right terrible things. I told him that my best friend almost gotten raped this passed weekend and the same guy was all over me and he response was “why did you guys put yourself in that situation?”. Oh, I’m sorry. If I foreseen what would was going to happen that night/morning, I would have stayed home. I would have never even bothered going out that night. I’m glad that it didn’t happen. I don’t want what happened to me happen to my best friend. How would he feel if he found out that I was raped. Not once, but twice in a course of a year? How would he feel? Would he say the same thing?